Everyday feels the same, new year's eve feels nothing.
I watched a Korean drama in my laptop and turned it off. I flicked through the English novel and tossed it aside. I went to the kitchen and eat whenever I want without feeling hungry. Everything seems wrong.
But all the while I was waiting. Something unclear, unsure and plain. I was waiting for nothing. My head ached with all the things that can go wrong at my almost 25 years old. No secure job. No goals in life. Dumb, old and broke. And all I could do was wait. When I woke up, I could feel the pain in my chest flexing with every breath. It hurts. And I wanted to sleep. The mere act of waking seemed to exhaust me. I'm not good in expressing that feeling, mood or sadness. But it is pain, indescribable pain. The pain that others can't see.
At a moment, I closed my eyes and I think of someone. Someone that I always comfortable to talk with in deeper conversation, someone I can share anything without feeling regrets or awkward. Somehow, I need someone to share my worries. Even it helps a little, I need to let it out to prevent it from become worse within my soul. Time to snap out of it. Time to start thinking how to love myself back. Time to take my first steps. And like what I expected, she comforts me well in that night with her beautiful words, with her words of courage and took a role as a listener. She said, everything got its own way. It takes time, it takes dua, it takes effort and it doesn't matter how big or small that effort is. What help through all these months was just faith. And these words that made me shed into tears when she said...'But we should not feel hopeless, because we have Allah. That He hears everything and knows everything what we feel deep inside our heart. You should let it out all the pain, sadness, worries, feelings in your dua. Express everything in your dua'. She also added, there are a story on Sahabat about the power of dua. And I browsing the story through internet and it may reflecting us in a different way..
But all the while I was waiting. Something unclear, unsure and plain. I was waiting for nothing. My head ached with all the things that can go wrong at my almost 25 years old. No secure job. No goals in life. Dumb, old and broke. And all I could do was wait. When I woke up, I could feel the pain in my chest flexing with every breath. It hurts. And I wanted to sleep. The mere act of waking seemed to exhaust me. I'm not good in expressing that feeling, mood or sadness. But it is pain, indescribable pain. The pain that others can't see.
At a moment, I closed my eyes and I think of someone. Someone that I always comfortable to talk with in deeper conversation, someone I can share anything without feeling regrets or awkward. Somehow, I need someone to share my worries. Even it helps a little, I need to let it out to prevent it from become worse within my soul. Time to snap out of it. Time to start thinking how to love myself back. Time to take my first steps. And like what I expected, she comforts me well in that night with her beautiful words, with her words of courage and took a role as a listener. She said, everything got its own way. It takes time, it takes dua, it takes effort and it doesn't matter how big or small that effort is. What help through all these months was just faith. And these words that made me shed into tears when she said...'But we should not feel hopeless, because we have Allah. That He hears everything and knows everything what we feel deep inside our heart. You should let it out all the pain, sadness, worries, feelings in your dua. Express everything in your dua'. She also added, there are a story on Sahabat about the power of dua. And I browsing the story through internet and it may reflecting us in a different way..
The story of
Imaam Ahmed Ibn Hanbal & the baker.
Imam Ahmad Ibn Hanbal, may Allah Ta'ala be pleased with him, was once traveling and needed to stay somewhere overnight. When he went to the mosque, the guard (not recognizing Imam Ahmed) denied him entrance. Imam Ahmed insisted on his right, yet he was refused. Frustrated, Imam Ahmed resolved to spend the night on the mosque's front porch/yard. The guard became furious and dragged him away, despite his old age and frailty.
A baker, whose shop was nearby, watched this scene and took pity on Ibn Hanbal and offered the great scholar food and a place to sleep. He watched as the baker mixed and kneaded the dough, tended the fire, and pulled hot loves from the oven, all the while uttering remembrances of Allah and istighfar (asking for Allah's forgiveness). Finally, Ibn Hanbal asked the pious baker what inspired him so. The baker responded it had become like second nature saying he did as he did in thanks to Allah who had answered all his prayers. All save one.
When Ibn Hanbal asked what that unanswered prayer was, the baker responded: "To see the famed Imam Ahmad ibn Hanbal." At this, tears came to Ibn Hanbal's eyes and he told the baker, "I am Ahmed ibn Hanbal!". He then went on to add, "By Allah! I was thrown from the mosque to meet you."
Source: Al Jumuah, Vol 22, Issue 12, Page 33
I looked at my life in a moment, and I realized. You should not feel hopeless, you should not feel insecure because He always there for you. He hold your rizq. You should not be greedy as you do not own this world. Dunya is just a temporary place, but Akhirah is a permanent place. Seek Allah's forgiveness. Do not procrastinate. This story was a wake up call for me and for you, Insha-Allah.
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